Welp here goes nothing! It’s been 9 months since I last posted on my blog… 17 drafts have come and gone since then as I have been attempting to figure out what to post that I will want to go back and read later. I share most of my blog type posts over on Instagram these days. Even if no one “slows their scroll” to read the words, I enjoy going back and reading because it helps me remember things more fully. In light of that, this is going to be a recap of the past 3/4 of 2017 and although I considered doing this post on Instagram… it seemed like that might take me all of 2018 to type out with my thumbs.
One of the blog posts I did manage to post this year was about brokenness. If I had to summarize this past year in a short way it would be “broken, messy, beautiful grace”. I really appreciate order, peace and beautiful things (like slow sunsets, big bouquets of wild flowers, giant open windows etc). I like things that are all or nothing. Yes or no. Up or down. But this year God has gently shown me the deep beauty of His grace. Even on the dark days with no sunsets and amidst the broken, messy sometimes ugly parts of life, His grace has been right there. He has shown me that life isn’t about perfection, happiness and seeking my own way – it’s about trusting, thanking, repenting and hoping.
In January I was freshly inspired with the start of the year, a brand new (very updated) camera, and a newborn session of Ella Hamlin to kick off my season. I didn’t realize just how precious that photo shoot would be. February, March and April were a blur of cold, gloomy days that I spent trying to distract myself from the pain in my heart and the bitterness in my soul. I was crushed by my friend’s death and aching for her family… frustrated at God for not answering everyone’s prayers in the way we wanted. I felt confused and mentally exhausted. I’d get up and go to work, sit at my desk for 8 hours and then come home and sit on my couch staring out the window until bedtime. It was a dark place mentally, and like I wrote in my post on March 13th, I was feeling very broken. At work, anytime I wasn’t actively working on a project I was thinking about the Hamlin kids and Mark and wondering how they were doing. At home I was stuck thinking about brokenness in our own family and feeling like I was buried in emotions that I couldn’t express. Anytime I was alone in the car, I would blast the music to try to tune out my brain. All of my “this is how it should have gone” thoughts were making me crazy.
But God’s grace never left. In the moments of pain and darkness, He was there. When I stared lifelessly at my Bible and felt lethargic in my prayers, He was there. God provided a group of ladies to meet with every Tuesday night and I am so thankful for their honesty, wisdom and love. God provided extra measures of grace in our home and gave Xavier a lot of patience and joy despite the cloud that hung over me. God provided me with so many amazing photo clients who all helped inspire me to see beauty and joy. He gave us the time and resources to take a few road trips with friends and by ourselves. We went to Canada twice, Sleeping Bear Dunes, and Florida. Getting out of our routines and into creation was very needed. And then God gave Xav and I the confidence to decide to quit my job in August.
It was among the five hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but once I made it I felt so much peace, thankfulness and joy! After four years of working different positions, growing my knowledge and skill set and spending a lot of time waiting for things to happen, I decided that I was done waiting. It was a hard choice to make primarily because I was thankful for the experiences and friendships that I had there and I hated the thought of quitting. But after years of chasing a role that didn’t exist, and months of sitting at my desk with nothing to do, thinking about the meaning of life and how short it is, Xav and I decided that I could use my time better in many ways.
I spent a few months working hard on photography, investing into many sweet friendships, spending many long mornings sitting quietly in God’s word and weeding out bitterness from my heart. I’m so thankful for those months and the ways God was working to allow me to rest in Him during that time. In October, I started thinking about the end of the busy photography season (WINTER) and I decided to look for a part time job to keep me occupied. I tried evaluating my skills, passions, dreams and desires to try to determine what type of a job I would enjoy. Not knowing what job titles I should apply for, I made a list of all the characteristics of what my “ideal job” would look like. Here’s what I wrote:
- Ideally 4 long days per week so I can have 3 days for photography.
- An active job (I’m not a fan of sitting all day).
- Redeeming qualities (I just don’t want to waste my time anymore).
- Consistent work to do. If I’m going to go to a job, I want to feel like I worked hard all day.
- Something I am passionate about… I know I give it my best when I care about the work.
- A place where I can be creative.
- Good management/friendly co-workers.
I mentioned a few of these ideals to just a handful of people and I was told that my expectations were pretty high and that dream jobs like this don’t exist. After applying to several positions at MSU and in the area, I was starting to feel like they were right. Then I thought about the most rewarding job I had ever worked – being a YAP and counselor at Camp Barakel during the summers of 2012 and 2013. So I applied for a few nannying jobs in our area.
Then one night we went to the Hamlins for dinner. As we chatted over pizza, Mark asked us what we had been up to and I mentioned that I was applying for nannying jobs… his eyes got really wide and he asked if I was joking. As it turned out, he had just started looking for someone to take over nannying his kids in 2018. I couldn’t believe it! Xav and I left his house that night so stoked for the possibility of what this could mean. Instead of interviewing and trying to find a random family I didn’t know, I could actually work for a family that I already knew and loved! A few weeks later I started transitioning into the role and last week I started full time. I still can’t believe how God’s grace worked through the whole thing and led me to this point. Sometimes I think about the shoes I am trying to fill and I am very humbled. Nicole was an amazing, adoring, wonderful mom to her babies and Malia was such a brave, compassionate, kind and caring nanny. It’s a big job to fill and I for sure come up way short… but I’m so thankful for the way the Hamlins have accepted and loved me (and Xav) during this change. One of the most astounding things about this job is how much grace God shows to me through those three kids on a daily basis. They have taught me so much more than I have helped them and God has given me such a love for those little kids. I work all day Monday-Thursday and I come home truly exhausted but so thankful for how I got to spend my day. I get to try out a lot of craft ideas and I think I could already make a book of my Pinterest fails. Mark is pretty much the easiest boss ever and the kids are so sweet, hilarious, smart and thoughtful. Every time I think about waking up to go to work, I get excited.
Grace in pain. Joy and sorrow. Hurt and hope. I can’t keep them separate because this life is about living them together and holding both of them in the same hand, trusting that God is in control no matter what is going on around me. One of the clearest pictures of this seeming oxymoron is the beautiful ugliness of the cross. The cross once represented the worst criminals and now it portrays the ultimate redemption.
There was so much more than 2017 held, but I think I’m going to end this here. Hopefully I can figure out how to blog more than three times this year, but I’ll probably still mostly use Instagram as my mini journal and photo diary.
My top quote from 2017: “Don’t look to what is seen… it is working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, do not lose heart.” – John Piper