I broke out my notebook this morning and opened up to my 2018 goals and mantras page. How have I already forgotten so many of them? Why have I been so ungrateful when one of my few goals was to take time to be thankful? Why do I keep trying to do things in my own strength instead of waiting and trusting in God’s plan? Why am I afraid of what other people say or think about me? It is easy to forget that my life is not my own. It is hard to be thankful for where I am right this second. So here’s to two of my goals for today: finding something to be thankful for AND writing it down *somewhere*.
Up until I was 15 or 16 I had never really thought too much about what I ate or how it impacted my body and mind. I had been the same height since I was 12 years old and although looking back I can see how awkwardly tall I was compared to my friends and siblings, I don’t think I really ever spent too much time worrying about it. (I think I subconsciously struggled with it a little bit because I had a short period of time where my posture was horrific… but thanks to my lovely parents, that went away fairly quickly.) Then I heard a person say I looked “too thin” and it made me cry. I had never worried about being “too thin” or “too heavy” and it finally got into my mind that there was an “ideal” body and I wasn’t it.
Then I turned 17 and went off to camp for the summer. When I DID gain weight that summer, I was mildly concerned. Instead of thinking about being too thin I suddenly wondered if I had missed the ideal body weight window and gone right to being too heavy. I guess I didn’t know that it is normal for a person’s body composition to change several times over the course of their life. It still didn’t bother me too much until I heard someone say something about the change. I’m serious when I say this… words are POWERFUL, use them well. I fear my own words and hope I’ve never said something that has stuck in someone’s head that way.
I started wanting to look different. Wanting to be shorter. Wanting to be leaner. Wanting to be “prettier”. When I first started dating Xav, he was reallllyyyyy into working out and I was reallllllllyyyyy self conscious. I hated people that worked out in any way because I felt like they were somehow better than me. One time, after I cynically commented on someone and how they made working out sound sooooo hard and cool, Xav took me to his basement. I don’t remember if he was trying to get me excited about weightlifting or prove to me that working out was indeed hard (and cool?)… but either way, he put an empty barbell on my back. I almost fell over. And then proceeded to tell him I wasn’t interested. I figured if I did care to workout, I’d rather stick with light weight cardio stuff anyway so I didn’t get too muscular. I wanted to get thinner not bigger and I for sure didn’t want to “look like a dude”.
I honestly don’t know when my thoughts changed from constantly berating myself to appreciating my body… or when I went from seeing food as an enemy to viewing it as fuel… or when God allowed me to see the body HE GAVE ME and be thankful for it. I’m honestly thankful for my body. I know that sounds stupid and obnoxious to say but I don’t think I’m thankful for enough “normal” things… like a body. I’m thankful that I just took a breath, that I can see the sunshine, that I can use my face to smile and my voice box to speak. I’m thankful that I’m strong enough to pick up my little friends and dance with them. I’m thankful that I can be on my feet all day and LOVE it.
I’m thankful for my husband and his love of working out. Marriage is insane. God uses stuff about Xavier to change me every single day and it’s both humbling and hilarious to see how my thinking has changed. I only started weight lifting because, after a year of marriage, Xav still loved it so much and he promised me that I wouldn’t get “too beefy” to the point of looking like a man. God allowed me to see my husband’s passion and begin working out with him as a way to spend quality time with him. AND THEN somewhere along the way, God gifted me with new eyes. I started seeing what my body could do and how it improved my mindset. I began to have eyes that stopped seeing “thinner” as “prettier”. Eyes that saw everyBODY as different and imperfectly perfect. Eyes that now see my body as a home for my soul (yes a broken, non-eternal home, but a home for now nonetheless). Eyes that see food as a gift. Eyes that see my (ridiculously long) arms and legs and appreciate their strength. Because God has given me the gift of working arms and legs *today*, I want to use them to their full potential *today*. Somewhere along the way, my eyes have gotten kinder… to myself AND TO OTHER PEOPLE. My mind has gotten stronger as my body has gotten stronger. I see myself accomplish tiny goals and one by one and instead of telling myself “I can’t” or “I don’t want to”, I’ve found myself saying “Let’s try it” and “Try again”.
I believe God gives people passions so they can:
1. Zealfully talk about something and give Him the glory (no matter how silly a “something” it is.)
2. Work hard on things and realize how much harder God is actually working in their heart.
3. See how empty passions are without Christ (for real, when you compare chasing after anything to chasing after Christ your passion for Christ will grow. Nothing else truly satisfies).
4. ENJOY GOD.
Yep. I said it. Working out has made me enjoy God more. When I obsess over my body (either hating it or loving it), my thoughts are wrong. It has taken a LOT of time, a LOT of work and a LOT of failing to think correctly in order for me to get to the point where I sometimes DO think correctly… But no matter how many times I’ve failed and swung too far one way or the other, God has continued to grow my passion for Him and for the gifts He has given to me. It has made me enjoy my time with my husband more. It has made me appreciate my body, my mind and other people more. It has made me more equipped for my current job. And it has given me new ways to be thankful today.
