I’ve been trying to make a blog post during Felix’s nap but my blog site is being weird and keeps blanking… so I’m just going to be super wordy here for my own sake of looking back and reading this later. Turns out my “I’m 40 weeks pregnant and losing my mind” coping strategy is writing (as I was reminded by old journals and blog posts from right before Felix was born).
Early Morning Journaling
950 days of praying for a healthy pregnancy
10 days of February
1 day until her due date
You’d think with how dramatic I’ve been this week that I’ve never practiced waiting before in my life. But all week I have been wrestling with myself and the slowness of each day. We’ve been fighting colds and the exhaustion of sickness combined with the end of pregnancy and *February* has made each day feels like it’s 1000 hours long. My plan was to stay super distracted and busy during these last few days and weeks so that I didn’t have time to think about birth and due dates and February grief… but then sickness cancelled all of our plans and my brain has been wandering.
At the dinner table a few nights ago, Xav reminded me that we’ve hoped and waited almost 1000 days for this baby… A few more days isn’t really that much. And he’s right. We started hoping and planning for this baby when Felix was less than a year old, hoping our kids would be close in age. Now he’s almost three and a half and daily asking me if his sister is ready to be born.
God’s timing is not my timing and *after much research over the weekend* it’s pretty clear to me that there’s nothing I can really do to guarantee a natural speed up of this process. Sister’s birthday is already set and determined by God and so we continue to wait.
Samantha gave me a book called ‘Sacred Waiting ‘ at the start of this pregnancy when each day also felt 1000 hours long. A friend who just had a baby recently loaned me a book called ‘Waiting in Wonder’. Truth be told I’ve barely read either. Why? Because I hate waiting. Waiting makes me feel like my legs are growing weak and my brain has too much time to dread or think about anxious things. I wanted to march to the end of this pregnancy and feel confident going into birth. Instead I feel like I’m limping along droopy, tired, sick and pathetic.
Hebrews 12:11-13 ESV[11] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. [12] Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, [13] and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.
This verse has come to mind a lot this week as I’ve felt droopy and weak. The discipline and training of waiting and being sick right now seems painful rather than pleasant. Trying to get pregnant for months and then years was so excruciating when every month the waiting clock started back over at zero. “But later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Just like physical therapy doesn’t encourage me to keep drooping, this passage reminded me that giving into the pitiful mindset that wants to overtake me isn’t actually going to help. If I keep practicing bad physical posture, I’ll grow weaker and get more out of joint. If I keep ruminating on lies or self pitying thoughts, my heart will also get more out of line with truth.
Philippians 4:4-9 ESV[4] Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. [5] Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; [6] do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. [7] And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [8] Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. [9] What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
This passage has been a steady anchor to my thoughts over the last three years and multiple friends have sent it to me to remind me to think about different things. It continues to refresh my thinking when I get stuck but it takes a lot of practice… Deep down, I know that’s what this week has been and what this upcoming week will continue to be and I also know that I’m not alone in the practice.
The God of peace will be with me just like He was with me during the start of the first trimester when I was wrecked by daily fear. Just like He was with me during our miscarriage in 2023. Just like He was with me every day for the last 950 days of longing and praying. Just like He was with me during the anguish of 2020… And just like He was with me every day before that too.
Something I learned to practice in 2020 was celebrating small beauties and these five images from February so far have been my way to start that habit again.
To everyone who has reached out and prayed for us this month, thank you so much 
